Dec. 29th 2020
Today I sit here and think of so many things on my mind. Here I am 38, divorced and a mother 2. I have been through hell and back. Climbed so many mountains blindly. Survived so much and never got out of bed with my head hunched, you would never have known anything was ever wrong looking at me. I awoke many days where I held my head high when all I ever wanted was to curl into a ball. So many times of crying in the bathroom only to emerge with a smile, hiding all my hurt. Maybe, if you knew me a little then you might have known some little part of what I was going through. I never felt so stupid staying in this situation so I kept most of it to myself. I may have even listened to your war stories. I can assure you that if you left I envied you, every part of you for being so strong to walk away. I related on so much more than I ever lead. Oh how my heart, how torn I was. Today still I am torn. I made one of the biggest life decisions. God did I spend years pondering it. I was so in love, yet I didn't love myself. I lost everything that defined me. I became a person I didn't know and spent more time living in the what ifs. From all the nights laying awake, being afraid not knowing what I was walking into, fantasizing of a different life, being punished, being loved, feeling alone, being shamed. A life time of hurt, anger, abandonment. We all feel pain on a different level. We all look at the grass next door. It is so much greener than ours. It seems so easy and perfect. I wonder on so many levels what my life would be like if I married someone different. Your life seems so perfect. The more I see, learn, hear, witness I know that deep down your probably wishing the same things when you look over at me. Or maybe you hear things over the fence, out the window and think how blessed you might be. I just know that in the 38 years I have learned so many things from my life experiences. We all process different. We all handle it different. We model the behaviors we saw and witnessed as children and shape it from all the shit life throws at us. I can't say I handle everything with grace. I fight back, speak my mind and stand my ground. I learned this from my mother but also learned from all the things I went through. I know my strength. I know my worth. I am a strong woman who is mouthy but fair. I will stick up for you and stand next you you when you are afraid. I hear both sides, witness and stand for what is right. Sometimes I swallow my pride.
Comments
Post a Comment