Struggling with my weight

What happens when we develop unrealistic expectations of ourselves? Have you ever looked in the mirror and the first thing you see is all your flaws, all the things you want to change about yourself? Maybe your self doubt started with another persons unrealistic expectation on how you should look. Main stream media taught us that we need super model bodies or better yet, that we need to look like Barbie. 

My journey with learning to love myself and the skin I am in has not been an easy journey. From my earlier days, I was teased in school about my weight. The end of 8th grade my stomach rounded out a little and I developed a double chin. My mom told people I was pregnant. I remember weighing 135 lbs. in high school and being so uncomfortable with my weight. I seriously thought I was fat.  So, at 17 I asked my dad to get me these diet pills from Costco, which he did. It was back when there weren't any regulations on phenylpropanolamine. I remember taking these pills and losing weight dropping to 103 lbs. 

My teachers were concerned for me. I remember my English teacher pulling me aside and discussing eating disorders with me. I assured her nothing was wrong, which to me there wasn't anything wrong. These pills cut my appetite down, I felt full after a few bites and my food intake was super limited. I usually couldn't even finish half of a sandwich. I wanted to be skinny. Taking these pills caused my heart to race, heart palpitations, anxiety but they were working. They did what I wanted them to do. 

Right after high school graduation

Through out college, I gained the Freshman 20 and then some. Long days and countless hours sitting listening to lecture after lecture results in us either packing quick unhealthy snacks or running to the nearest fast food places. We indulge in the foods that taste good rather than picking foods that are healthy for us. Its all about the convince. I would try to eat healthier options when I could. Maybe do the protein style burger from In-n-out rather than with a bun. Really though, who doesn't love a double double animal style or animal style fries? 

My boyfriend at the time would constantly criticize me over my weight. As usual, I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to love me. It caused more struggles within me. My person battle and not knowing how to love myself or even set boundaries for those in my life continued. We allow ourselves to love people who are toxic for us not even knowing it isn't right. I did crash diet after diet, limiting my calorie intake, really anything to keep him happy. I loved him. So, at 140 lbs. I felt fat and unhappy with who I was.

some where around 23

I started working in psych right after my 1st clinical rotation, April 2005. I wore a small in scrubs, I was curvy. Slowly, I gained more and more weight. The hospital food was not healthy. I worked extra hours when I could so a home cooked meal was rare. Did you know, you can get dessert with lunch and dinner everyday? Well, I discovered that then and of course, ate all the dessert! My weight continued to climb. I was so unhappy with myself. My co-workers constantly pointed out my weight gain. 

24 year old me

My weight quickly reached 170 lbs. I was not happy in my own skin but crash diets no longer worked. I managed to maintain my weight where it was and tried to accept my body and love myself. I met the person who I thought to be the love of my life.

 

My wedding day and before Marine Ball Nov. 2009

I continued to gain weight but eventually leveled out around 185 lbs. I gained weight during my pregnancy with my son in 2012 toping out at 200lbs. Luckily, I lost the 15lbs I gained giving birth, my body however was not the same as before. I had new curves, a new shape. The Drs. told me to eat 500 calories more a day while I breast fed my son. I think I ordered a cheesecake with every meal while I was in the hospital. I quickly put on more weight. Everyone justified how I had just had a baby, but it wasn't from having a baby. It was from poor eating habits, unhealthy relationship and depression. I ate to make myself feel better.  

I absolutely hated myself and the person I had become. I was embarrassed to eat around people. I was embarrassed of what people thought of me. Was this my rock bottom?

Somewhere between 2014 and 2015 I decided I was going to take back control over my life. Many of my co-workers started to take garcina combogia pills that were helping them to lose weight. What could it hurt, right? We all ordered the same supplements off of Amazon. It was a family owned company and if you left a review, they sent you a bottle for free. I started to see results with these pills. I lost 40-50 lbs. I felt amazing. People noticed the weight loss and the compliments helped to boost my self esteem.

Getting pregnant with my daughter caused my weight to sky rocket back up to over 200lbs. I craved sweets with both pregnancies only difference was, I couldn't keep them down with my son. I ate everything and anything during this pregnancy with minimum morning sickness. The thing was, everyone was pointing out how much weight I was putting on. Because in society we point out peoples flaws not even thinking about the effects it has on them. 

After giving birth to my daughter, I started my weight loss journey over again. I went for runs, did as many planks as I could and worked hard. I tried the pills that worked previously with no success. The weight did not just shed itself off. I had days where I was discouraged but I never gave up. My kids were watching. I eventually started a low carb lifestyle and was successful with loosing weight. I set small goals for myself that I frequently changed with time. I reached my goals. I learned to love myself again, and that was not an easy journey. I am still on that journey today. I started documenting my weight loss on Facebook. I hoped to inspire others and show them that it is possible at the same time, I also was holding myself accountable. 

I eventually switched to Keto, tracked all my carb intake and continued to push myself. 

In 2019, I was doing it. I weighed some where in the 140s, continued to eat healthier and work on me. I know longer felt fat. I pushed myself even harder as summer hit. I was using exercise as a coping skill to an unhappy marriage. I worked 12 shifts then would come home and go on these angry power walks. I pushed harder and harder everyday. It was my outlet from life. I reached my goal weight of 135 lbs. that I had set for myself and never thought that it was possible. Shortly after my separation, I lost even more. I knew the struggles I had faced and over came. I did not want to gain weight and was not going to comfort myself with food like I had in the past. The only thing was, at the time, I lost more weight. It wasn't much, it was 3 lbs. but everyone I worked with became concerned over my weight loss. I was too skinny to them. It was the holiday season and doing keto meant no sweets. I ate my own keto friendly ones. I spiraled though with all the pressure. I started eating all of the sweets. It wasn't just one, I had no self control and over indulged just like I have my entire life. Not only that, I started drinking, a lot. I weighed myself normal how I would to watch my weight. Honestly, it is somewhat of an obsession. I weigh myself every morning and every night on a daily basis and when my weight started to go back up, I obsessed even more. I quickly put on 20lbs and fixated more and more in fear of becoming the girl I was before. The girl who was called fat and disgusting. 

In April of 2021 I found myself at 160lbs. Still loving myself but mad that I had no self control. Still drinking all the time, fasting as long as I could to only binge later in the day. And maybe not excessive binging but unhealthy binging. The difference is, I no longer had anyone telling me negative things about my body. In fact, I learned how sexy my curves are. I learned to love my mom bod so while I was unhappy, I was accepting and confident still. 

Just in the last month, I was able to get back some of the self control I had lost during my divorce. I no longer indulge in food or alcohol like I was. My weight will always be a struggle and people will always have an effect on me. I still feel like the 200 plus version of myself from time to time. I constantly have to remind myself that I am not her. I still weigh myself obsessively and fixate on it. The only difference is that now I am surrounded by people who fill my life with positivity. People who tell me how amazing I look, who have helped build me. It has never been an easy journey but this is my journey. My life. 

I'm not sure if there is a female out there that doesn't have the same struggle no matter how big or small they are. I just know that I want to be healthy and be the best version of me, for my children. That doesn't mean my ideal weight either, it means loving myself.