Do you think about it?

 I've had so many questions about sharing my history on my domestic violence. One of them was if I think about it. The answer is yes, every day. In the beginning, I really struggled with the adjustment of going through the divorce process. I shared with many coworkers that I was getting a divorce and if I was crying to just distract me as everything tucked away started surfacing. I had so many experiences that I had pushed down over the years to cope that it became very overwhelming as the flood gates opened. My fight or flight was in overdrive throughout my entire divorce process as we lived together for 11 months. 

At the end of October 2020, I closed on my house and that is when my healing process mostly began. I still have flashbacks every day multiple times a day, I've just learned how to cope with them differently now that I no longer live through it daily. He no longer has that control over me. I still have to redirect my negative thinking after it being drilled into me every day and I am accepting of compliments, the things I never believed about myself living the way I did. I'm not sure if traumatic experiences ever leave as they constantly linger in my mind, I just know that time has helped the feelings that come along with them allowing me to handle situations differently. 

My heart no longer is heavy and I wake up smiling and feeling happy. I have a sense of relief and feel purpose once again. I try to be mindful of myself and my surroundings and as much as I hate the word "triggered" there are things that stir it up and cause me to feel completely panicked. Those are the times I have to remind myself of my worth as I may have been a victim, I AM a survivor, I AM worthy, I AM capable, I AM loved, I AM strong, I AM enough, I AM willing and my past does not own or define any part of me. We are all capable of overcoming any obstacles we face in life, we just have to work on healing.