Long road
Recently at work I noticed I was in the front of everyone trying to calm a difficult patient. It was the day I noticed how much I had actually changed, how much growth and healing I have done. It has been a slow process getting to where I am today but an amazing journey to be on. No wounds heal over night, some require a little extra work than others whether it a skinned knee, a deep cut requiring stitches or our mind. Psychological abuse left me feeling ugly, unlovable, unwanted, hopeless, weak, unable, broken, dark, fat, pathetic, numb, hateful, negative, afraid, lost, fearful, trapped.
My healing has not been an easy journey. Day in and day out I masked what was going on in my home life. I got up, went to work, took care of my family, my home. The thing was, I held my head as high as possible limiting anyone to what was going on in my home life. I slowly lost the person I was, I was isolated from my family, friends and stopped doing the things I loved. As things began to become more physical I found myself hiding behind my coworkers anytime a patient acted out. I was terrified of being hurt, I was triggered by the yelling. It reminded me of my home life. My only outlet and time away from the hell I was living in was work and here I was, hiding as I had lived in fear almost everyday in my home life. I am in no way saying there were not good days at home and I was definitely blessed with 2 beautiful children who in a way are my saving grace. The thing is, I was always one of the first people running to respond to codes. I was always a quick thinker and a good speaker, capable of handling these difficult situations. Somewhere over the years I lost all that and I have slowly started to gain it back as I heal.
My road is bumpy, full of obstacles, things literally designed to destroy a person and yet I push hard past it all. I continue to learn, grow and smile more everyday. I will always be a work in progress as we all have room to improve and grow. I have watched myself blossom into this amazing person I am today. I still have days of fear, I get angry, I over think every situation and I still feel like I am not enough at times. It is amazing how people can impact our lives whether it is positively or negatively, how our home lives effect our work lives and so forth. What is even greater is when those people who are around you start to see the changes within you.
Some of my biggest support people have been my coworkers, people who have become friends and even some who I now consider family. I have slowly learned to turn my hate into love and compassion. I still have times of feeling isolated and alone which I am not, not at all anymore. Some have been through my roller coaster of emotions, have guided my negative talk into positive, given me new perspectives, calmed my PTSD, shaped my confidence and straight out called me on my bullshit. Others, compliment the changes they notice, but mostly as I heal, I am able to be a friend and help others as well. The old me lived in such a miserable place that I wasn't really capable of being a friend to others. It took me a while to see the changes as they were happening, for my heart to not feel heavy and mostly to notice that I was no longer hiding behind everyone at work.
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