Awareness

At the beginning of the month, I planned on writing about October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Unfortunately, due to a recent situation I was in, I wasn't able to. Sometimes we meet people in our lives who seem like really good people and they turn out not to be. Being a survivor of domestic violence, this person I had been somewhat friends with stirred a lot of my past traumas. It is funny how a person can be doing so well and have the littlest of things happen to where their entire sense of safety and security can be gone again. 

I have had encounters with people in which it was lost but not nearly as much as this last one. We talked about personal things and even my blog post which had led to more questions and further in-depth discussions as they were curious. Sometimes those questions lead to tears and sometimes not so much. I've been pretty upfront and honest whenever anyone reaches out to me about my experiences as I want to be a voice and spread awareness. This was definitely a discussion that led to tears where I ended up reaching out to a friend who typically is able to help me feel calmer and not so panicked during those times. 

As I spent more time getting to know this person little red flags popped up here and there but nothing too alarming. We talked almost every day for several weeks getting to know more about each other. Like I said, little red flags pop up, and as time goes by I start to notice the little bits of manipulation, lies, and whatnot. The thing is we had several mutual friends or rather acquaintances and we were all noticing different little things, all of us sticking up for each other and having each other's backs while all these lies and twists of words, trying to cause fights between us or end friendships while playing a victim in all of it. We all ended up unfriending this person, while they blocked this person I did not. 

After all this drama from the unnecessary situation and several days of no contact, I get a friend request which allowed for a message to go through. I didn't respond and then got another a few hours later. I responded to that, which led to a fixation on one of my friends and some very uncomfortable words that created the most uneasy feeling inside of me. I reached out to my friend to share some of what was messaged to me while saving the entire message as it scared me for her safety. I didn't sleep but a couple of hours that night as I laid in bed thinking over and over about the conversation I had just had. I went to the kitchen where my curtains were opened to get water and stood there in a sheer panic looking out the dark window. I started thinking about how someone could be looking in and I wouldn't know. 

I spent the entire next day trying to shake this feeling. Again, I had reached out to the person I normally do and sent the same message I sent my friend just to see if it seemed like something or if it was just my trauma talking. Talking that day didn't calm any part of my nerves. I spent several days completely on edge, and many nights barely sleeping. I finally started to feel better after seeing and talking to a friend, hugging her, and telling her what I had been feeling and what had previously happened. At that moment every part of my panic dissipated. I still didn't sleep well that night but I wasn't on edge. The next day my ex blew up on me after I asked a question and it started all over again with feeling panicked. 

This is the aftermath of surviving domestic violence. It is the questioning of your safety, it is being triggered by many different situations, events, surroundings. It is feeling unsafe in your own home, feeling like a sitting duck just waiting like you are prey for an animal to attack you. Continuously questioning your surroundings when you go out or come home when it is dark. No one should ever be a victim of domestic violence but it exists and is very real and traumatizing. 1 in 3 women are a victim to it so whether you are at a family gathering, a work meeting, the grocery store look around and know that not everyone will be so lucky to get out and many of those women live trapped in silence and fear. 

While this post is not what I wanted for an awareness post, I wasn't able to sit and type about what I originally planned in the state I was in. Healing takes time but it doesn't take past events away and doesn't get rid of things that stir it back up. I choose to move forward and find my happiness every day as my trauma doesn't own me, I do. I choose to take back my life. I used to tell my adolescent patients that they get to paint the picture of their lives and get to choose the paths they take and that is true to all aspects of life. We have to work towards the things we want, give effort, and improve ourselves.